When Honesty isn’t the Best Policy

I was called into an organisation last year where two of the senior leaders had a huge blow up with one another. Tensions were high. When I spoke to one of the leaders involved in the blow up, she stated very emphatically, “I’d had enough and just told them what I thought. I was just honest”. When I asked her the intention of her conversation with her colleague she realised it was delivered with the intention of doing damage. “Did you show care for the other person in the delivery of your honesty?”, I asked. She had to admit that she hadn’t. The conversation was focused on her venting her spleen. A good old fashioned spray as my family might say!

Honesty without care is poor leadership. It's like tipping kerosene on an already well lit fire. This isn’t to say that leaders shouldn’t express their emotions, as long as the conversation is focused forward towards a productive outcome. Susan Scott’s confrontation model from Fierce Conversations is a great example of how to do this well.  

In my coaching, I often hear the statement I was just being honest. But the reality is that honesty with ill-intent is irresponsible, driven by ego and is a lazy option to avoid a difficult conversation. When we dial up transparency, delivered with care for others, it quells threat within relationships and organisations, especially when we are explicit with our intentions. It encourages us to consider the other person’s perspective. It also slows us down – in times of frustration the 24hr rule is a good one to apply when emotions are high.  

If you are in the grip of frustration, rather than suppress emotion which we know isn’t effective, release that frustration in other effective ways. For example, you can self-coach by ‘labeling emotion’ – write down somewhere how you are feeling.  Labeling emotion helps quells threat in the brain which is wired to keep us safe. Have a conversation with someone in your inner-tribe who gets that you need a release every now in a safe space to help make sense of situations. Your inner-tribe is a trusted space where you know confidence is kept. Maybe even go for a walk or workout.

Next time, when tempted to give someone a good old dose of your honest opinion, ask yourself these questions first:

What are my intentions?

What’s the outcome I want from this situation / conversation?

What might be possible if I’m honest with care for the other person involved? How might my delivery be different?

Have I considered the situation from the other person’s perspective?

You might just save a lot of wasted emotional energy and maybe even an important relationship.